TotenFolio

To Giorgio Tsoukalos’ hair,

I hope you can read this letter from way up there, so high, held in place by so much hair product, perched atop that head, starting right above that olive-skinned forehead. My fascination burns deeply in my soul, down in the meaty mass of my beating heart, driving me to write to you and express my deepest thoughts. You are quite the wonder – a true wonder that boggles my mind, as I’m sure it does for others.

The head you grow upon is considered an expert in the Ancient Alien hypothesis. I can easily see why. Earthly hair care products have not yet reached sufficient technological advancement to allow you to defy the established laws of physics in the way that you so callously do. You stand high, each tendril of your thickly doctored, full-bodied self thrusting up like a middle finger to science, and to the very Universe you inhabit. If anything, you are significant evidence in favor of the very theories in which your keeper, Mr. Giorgio Tsoukalos, is such an avid proponent.

You defy my expectations with each appearance you make on your show, Ancient Aliens on History. (And let’s stop the pretense. It is YOUR show.) Each time the camera is on you and Mr. Tsoukalos, you seem to reach higher and higher, and will one day dominate the camera frame, I’m sure. What is it that you are reaching for? Is there a bottle of damaged hair conditioner up there? Or are you trying to feed your addiction for hair product by reaching for a hidden container of mousse or hair spray? Perhaps it is something more dastardly.

Is Mr. Tsoukalos abusing you? Is this the reason that you are struggling to stretch higher and higher, in hopes that one day you will separate from your keeper’s scalp? I doubt that’s the reason. You look like you’re having too much fun to be in any real danger, which is a surprise, since one look at you lets everyone know that you are covered in hair product and quite possibly surrounded by a lurking, low-hanging fog of hair spray with such concentration that a single static spark could prove disastrous. However, I’m sure you’ve considered the potential dangers before you allowed yourself to begin your schedule of hair products that is your own version of substance abuse.

You have some sort of strange power, or ability. I won’t go so far as to say you have a mystical ability to remain alive despite all the abuse you endure, because I prefer to remain seated in the realm of science. No one can deny your standing power. Somehow, each time you appear on camera, you seem to be higher and stronger like an incredible shape-shifter. In a single episode of your show on History, you seem to grow several inches throughout each time the camera lands on you and your keeper, so Mr. Tsoukalos can make his statement or observation about an ancient artifact. This is amazing. You would be incredible even without your amazing growing powers. This doesn’t even include your shape-shifting abilities. Again, in a single episode of Ancient Aliens on History, you somehow change your form from each camera shot. At times, you are reserved and classic; you seem to be a strange semi-bouffant style cap atop Mr. Tsoukalos’ head. At other times, you seem to be screaming toward the sky with the form of hundreds of tentacles, reaching for the stars, each tendril frozen in place as if a tangled mass of squids trapped on the wrong end of Medusa’s stare. This is impressive. You change your form in one episode more than I change my underwear in a week.

Why are you standing so high? You act like someone asked a question, and you know the answer. Your tendrils stretched so high seem to shout “Pick me, pick me!” Are you the needy kid in the classroom waiting for the teacher to call your name?

No. That can’t be it. You give off a nice vibe of arrogance and “no-shits-to-be-given-today.” You’re comfortable doing what it is that you do. You’re comfortable growing like a monument, and barking for a position as the eighth wonder of the world.

So that leaves us with no answer, but everything must have a reason. Why do you stand so high? Is there a reason you stand so firm, so strong, with the ability to withstand hurricane force winds, and the foundation to survive unimaginable earthquakes? Are you trying to be the physical representation of Mr. Tsoukalos’ strong convictions and beliefs?

That must be it.

You stand so strong, against the wind and laws of physics, persevering in the face of constant abuse from overused hair products, harsh production lights and countless other troubles you are sure to have seen. This is true conviction, a true dedication to your art, just as Mr. Tsoukalos stands so firmly against skeptics and naysayers.

Stand high and grow on, hair.

Stand high and grow on.

Sincerely,

Elijah Toten

It’s been a while since I posted something to this blog of mine. In the time since my previous post, I haven’t had very much time to write or work. Slowly, I’m immersing myself back into a schedule of healthy freelancing and writing on my own projects. I want to take a moment to share with you my two newest stories. They are flash fiction written for the Twitter #FridayFlash group.

Cubicles and Brimstone

“My greatest weakness? Uh, I’ve been known to be quite stubborn, to the point of clashing with upper management.”

“Oh?” Mr. Moulton asked. He slipped a pair of reading glasses from his jacket pocket and leaned the spectacles carefully against his nose, so he could look over the simple one-page resume.

Continue reading Cubicles and Brimstone.

Spasms

The ring finger on Isaac’s left hand twitched for the third time in a day which concerned him greatly. He stared down at his hand and watched the finger for a short period. No spasm ran through his hand while he was watching, but he was sure that the tiny hairs right above his second knuckle were brimming with excitement. He  squeezed his eyes shut, wrote the movements off as his imagination, and returned to his work.

Continue reading Spasms.

Over the coming weeks, I plan to retool this blog and bring the primary focus to my fiction.

As you may know, I have several locations on the web where information about me is found. I have my Twitter account, this blog, my flash fiction for #fridayflash, my goodreads account, and I recently joined Formspring to give it a try. That’s a bunch of stuff going on at the same time. Enter Toten.me.

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You will notice a distinctly new visual style for the Edgar Snatch header art when the new Edgar Snatch story is released tomorrow. I felt now was the best time to update the visual style for the serial, as Edgar Snatch is currently changing, evolving, and discovering more about himself. He’s learning limitations, his strengths and weaknesses, and falling deeper in the thrall of his own delusions.

Check out the newest Edgar Snatch inspired work to see a glimpse of the new visual style before tomorrow’s story is released.

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Every blogger I know talks about the disease known as comment spam. I am going to use comment spam for this project.

Over the past several weeks, I’ve noticed the amount of comment spam on my blog go up. Luckily, Akismet catches almost 100 percent of the comment spam, and what’s missed is caught by me since I hold every comment for moderation before it is posted to the site. Some of the comment spam is cleverly disguised as legitimate comments and some of it is not. I usually get the spam that looks legitimate, the stuff that sells something or random strings of words that make no sense. Surprisingly, very little of the comment spam on this blog is the kind selling “natural enhancements” to gullible men with self-esteem problems.

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Three new #fridayflash stories

Once again, I have three new short stories written for the #fridayflash Twitter group to share with you. I like to share these stories here as well as my official #fridayflash blog, Telling Creative Lies, just in case you don’t follow the #fridayflash hashtag on Twitter. If you’re a writer, I would urge you to participate in the community, as it’s a great way to discover other talented writers and to share your work with readers who otherwise may never find your writing.

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Over the past several weeks, I have participated in Twitter’s #fridayflash group started by J.M. Strother. Through the stories I write for that, I’ve “met” a number of talented writers. One of those talented writers, Aidan Fritz, recently passed two blog awards to me. Aidan says in the award post that he does not follow rules very well, which is great, because neither do I. So, in my own way, I am accepting the two awards he gave me, and passing them on – while intentionally breaking and bending the rules.

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Every writer I know has a project they look back on and think, “Man, that’s terrible writing.” I love to look back at things I wrote years ago, because it helps me understand how I’ve grown as a writer. I wrote an e-book for a website called Keep It Coming several years ago, called “Gift: Unwanted Dreams.” At the time, I thought it was great writing. I gave my own horn a nice long toot and then I emailed everyone I knew to point them toward the e-book I wrote. Keep It Coming no longer exists, but the e-book is still here on my hard drive.

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Three more short stories

Three weeks ago, I shared three short stories I wrote for the #fridayflash Twitter group. The #fridayflash Twitter group encourages creativity by giving you a platform to reach readers every week. In addition to receiving feedback from other followers of the #fridayflash hashtag, you also get to read some fantastic work by other talented writers.

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Today I discovered a fun little toy for writers called I Write Like. It claims to analyze your writing, word choice and a few other factors to give you a close match to your writing style. Though not very accurate from piece to piece (My results ranged from Vonnegut to Stephen King, depending on the work I plugged into the tool), it can be fun to play around with for a bit. When I analyze the Edgar Snatch story, most of the results said I write like Raymond Chandler.

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