TotenFolio

To Giorgio Tsoukalos’ hair,

I hope you can read this letter from way up there, so high, held in place by so much hair product, perched atop that head, starting right above that olive-skinned forehead. My fascination burns deeply in my soul, down in the meaty mass of my beating heart, driving me to write to you and express my deepest thoughts. You are quite the wonder – a true wonder that boggles my mind, as I’m sure it does for others.

The head you grow upon is considered an expert in the Ancient Alien hypothesis. I can easily see why. Earthly hair care products have not yet reached sufficient technological advancement to allow you to defy the established laws of physics in the way that you so callously do. You stand high, each tendril of your thickly doctored, full-bodied self thrusting up like a middle finger to science, and to the very Universe you inhabit. If anything, you are significant evidence in favor of the very theories in which your keeper, Mr. Giorgio Tsoukalos, is such an avid proponent.

You defy my expectations with each appearance you make on your show, Ancient Aliens on History. (And let’s stop the pretense. It is YOUR show.) Each time the camera is on you and Mr. Tsoukalos, you seem to reach higher and higher, and will one day dominate the camera frame, I’m sure. What is it that you are reaching for? Is there a bottle of damaged hair conditioner up there? Or are you trying to feed your addiction for hair product by reaching for a hidden container of mousse or hair spray? Perhaps it is something more dastardly.

Is Mr. Tsoukalos abusing you? Is this the reason that you are struggling to stretch higher and higher, in hopes that one day you will separate from your keeper’s scalp? I doubt that’s the reason. You look like you’re having too much fun to be in any real danger, which is a surprise, since one look at you lets everyone know that you are covered in hair product and quite possibly surrounded by a lurking, low-hanging fog of hair spray with such concentration that a single static spark could prove disastrous. However, I’m sure you’ve considered the potential dangers before you allowed yourself to begin your schedule of hair products that is your own version of substance abuse.

You have some sort of strange power, or ability. I won’t go so far as to say you have a mystical ability to remain alive despite all the abuse you endure, because I prefer to remain seated in the realm of science. No one can deny your standing power. Somehow, each time you appear on camera, you seem to be higher and stronger like an incredible shape-shifter. In a single episode of your show on History, you seem to grow several inches throughout each time the camera lands on you and your keeper, so Mr. Tsoukalos can make his statement or observation about an ancient artifact. This is amazing. You would be incredible even without your amazing growing powers. This doesn’t even include your shape-shifting abilities. Again, in a single episode of Ancient Aliens on History, you somehow change your form from each camera shot. At times, you are reserved and classic; you seem to be a strange semi-bouffant style cap atop Mr. Tsoukalos’ head. At other times, you seem to be screaming toward the sky with the form of hundreds of tentacles, reaching for the stars, each tendril frozen in place as if a tangled mass of squids trapped on the wrong end of Medusa’s stare. This is impressive. You change your form in one episode more than I change my underwear in a week.

Why are you standing so high? You act like someone asked a question, and you know the answer. Your tendrils stretched so high seem to shout “Pick me, pick me!” Are you the needy kid in the classroom waiting for the teacher to call your name?

No. That can’t be it. You give off a nice vibe of arrogance and “no-shits-to-be-given-today.” You’re comfortable doing what it is that you do. You’re comfortable growing like a monument, and barking for a position as the eighth wonder of the world.

So that leaves us with no answer, but everything must have a reason. Why do you stand so high? Is there a reason you stand so firm, so strong, with the ability to withstand hurricane force winds, and the foundation to survive unimaginable earthquakes? Are you trying to be the physical representation of Mr. Tsoukalos’ strong convictions and beliefs?

That must be it.

You stand so strong, against the wind and laws of physics, persevering in the face of constant abuse from overused hair products, harsh production lights and countless other troubles you are sure to have seen. This is true conviction, a true dedication to your art, just as Mr. Tsoukalos stands so firmly against skeptics and naysayers.

Stand high and grow on, hair.

Stand high and grow on.

Sincerely,

Elijah Toten